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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Sally-Anne Perks' InsaneJournal:
| Monday, December 14th, 2009 | |
| 3:14 am | Tracey, you have to stay over again soon. That was more fun than I've had in ages. Oh, and when are you leaving again? I need to make sure I owl your Christmas gift before you'll be gone, so you'll have it in time. Fenrir! Can I come over this afternoon? I'm making cupcakes. You should ask the pup what kind he likes best, chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. And tell me what kind you like, too! |
| Friday, December 11th, 2009 | |
| 6:45 pm | Andre's mom is better! She's okay! It's amazing. She was almost dead and now she's feeling almost herself again. Andre is so happy. I've never seen his family so excited. Kaiser? Thank you so much! I know you sent your healer to help her and you saved her life. Thank you! Oh, GUESS WHAT! I'm officially caught up to fifth year level in school! Well, in everything but Defense Against the Dark Arts. But I'm almost there. Just a chapter away. |
| Sunday, November 29th, 2009 | |
| 9:48 pm | Andre and I went for a walk today down by the beach. Luca came along. He needed a break from helping take care of his mother, even she said so. It's got to be hard when someone you love is sick and there's nothing you can really do. Andre still prays for her all the time. I prayed with him today down by the water while Luca tried to catch the little one-clawed crabs in the sand. It's not that I don't mean the prayers... I guess I just don't know if anyone is really listening to me. Daddy and Andre believe so fully but I don't know. I used to believe in something more but as nice as the sermons are, as wonderful as it all sounds... I just don't know. I don't understand how a God who's supposed to be so good and perfect and merciful could let good people like Andre's mum die while people |
| Saturday, November 28th, 2009 | |
| 3:12 pm | I thought this place was supposed to be perfect. Usually it's good but sometimes everything seems to go wrong. Andre, can I come over tonight? I picked some flowers for your mother. I think they'll be the last ones in the garden here, with the weather turning. At least it's not cold in Italy. I hate the cold. Private: Dad Daddy, Andre asked me to talk to you. His mother... she's giving up, dad. She's stopped fighting and they don't think she'll make it much longer. They wanted you to come pray for her. I know you're not Father Potter any more but she hasn't been able to make it to mass since you left and she doesn't know the new Father. And Daddy? I'm worried about Tracey. They boy she's with... he's not good. I've never wanted to attack anyone just when I met them like I did. Even Luca growled at him and he doesn't do that with anyone. She's not happy, I can feel it, but she's marrying him. And I'm never going to get to see her again. |
| Thursday, November 19th, 2009 | |
| 9:37 am |  Luca is growing so big now! He's learning not to chew on things either, and that biting isn't okay. He's really smart! He's still into everything, and he jumps on Andre every time he comes over, but he doesn't mean anything by it. He's just happy to see him! So am I. He's busy with his family a lot right now since his mom is sick so I haven't seen him as much. [Dad] I want to pray for Andre's mom. Can you help me? I think I forgot how. I'm worried about Tracey too. I don't like this Mark person. I don't think he's good for her. She hasn't come to see me since they started seeing each other and she just acts... wrong. |
| Sunday, November 1st, 2009 | |
| 12:26 am | Al! I carved you a pumpkin!  It's a computer-style jack'o'lantern! OH and my friend Sarah loaned me this old game called Left 4 Dead and it's got ZOMBIES. You need to come play because I still can't figure out how to hook up the game-playing thingie. I have figured out the remote though to change channels on the TV and I can use the toaster like a pro. Oh and... tonight was fun. I went as a bag of jellybeans! I put on a clear trash bag over my clothes and filled it up with different coloured balloons. Of course they all popped while I was playing with the horses at Andre's and scared the horses so I took the jellybean costume off but it was funny while it lasted. We carved pumpkins with his family even though his sister had already carved hers. She helped with mine, too, and Andre and I did one for his mom. She's sick but the healers are trying a new treatment so they hope she'll get better. She said she was feeling better this week though. Andre, he and his dad and sister take really good care of her. Andre even cooks dinner and it's good, too! I can't cook. Maybe I should try to learn though. Oh and... I had my first kiss! |
| Thursday, October 29th, 2009 | |
| 10:23 am |  He's growing so big! The veterinary healer said that if he's made it this long he's probably out of the woods you know? Today Andre took that picture while I was trying to teach him to howl. It's so cute, it's kind of a squeaky noise. I think the lady from the church who was working in the kitchen thought I was crazy, sitting on the patio howling and trying to make Luca do it too. But he got it! He understood I think after awhile that he was supposed to do it as well and he tried. I even had Andre help with the howling, because once all of us were doing it Luca was like "OH ME TOO!" |
| Sunday, October 11th, 2009 | |
| 2:24 pm | Today after mass Andre told me that they had been having problems with wolves on their property, and his dad had shot two of them when they tried to hunt his sheep. When he was out riding one of the horses, he came across the den. There were several dead pups, but there was one still alive. It was in a box in his barn but his dad was just going to kill it. He said the pup would probably die anyway, like the rest. I asked dad if I could try to save it. I went to Andre's after mass and picked up the pup. Dad owled a veterinarian and when Andre and I got back, I had instructions and milk for him. He must have been starving, the way that he took the bottle. His eyes are barely open at all, which means he's probably not even two weeks old. I know he probably won't make it still but... he deserves a chance. I have time to take care of him, and it's not fair to just kill him when there's nothing wrong at all with him physically. He just doesn't have a mother. I think I'll call him Luca. Andre said it means lucky. I wasn't going to name him right away in case he dies, but dad said I should. So he wouldn't be forgotten. Andre's helping me make a nice warm place for him to live inside a cardboard box with blankets and a heat lamp over the top. It's got a thin blanket shading it though, since he's used to the dark, not bright lights. Maybe he'll live up to his name and make it. I'll do whatever I can to help him. |
| Friday, October 9th, 2009 | |
| 6:39 pm | I don't know how I feel about talking about things sometimes. Arnold was in the garden again today. After I petted him and gave him some treats, he went into a burrow he made. It's behind a big bush so that's why Andre and me didn't find it before, I guess. I was gonna go help him at the gardens again today but after ... I didn't feel like it really. Maybe he won't be mad. I just didn't feel like it. It's probably not a great idea, but today I just want to lay around and play video games and Al, on that zombie killing game, how do you get the flamethrower? I forgot. Oh no, I should have owled Andre, because he's coming up the road now |
| Monday, October 5th, 2009 | |
| 12:45 pm | I never really forgot, but at least I wasn't thinking about it I didn't have to think about the I can't even write it. I can't talk about it. I just can't. I don't want to remember. I just I want it to have not happened. I want it to go away. When I close my eyes, all I see is the I thought it was going away. I thought i could be someone who wasn't just haunted. Someone who wouldn't break just because they read something that reminds them of something they want to forget. I didn't want to know |
| Friday, October 2nd, 2009 | |
| 2:50 pm | It's weird to wonder... how many people would really be in your life if they didn't have to be. I think Arnold escaped. Maybe dug out of the garden. I haven't seen him in awhile. I hope he's okay. I did get a spell right today though. Finally. I went to the church the other day. I was bored so I walked and I met someone there. His name is Andre. I saw him before, of course, but I'd never talked to him. He just got out of school this year and he's working there as a groundskeeper. I helped him pull weeds. It was getting dark when we were finished, so he walked me to the top of the hill and watched to make sure I got home okay. He came over yesterday to help me look for Arnold but we didn't find him. |
| Sunday, September 20th, 2009 | |
| 9:51 pm | Today, I let Arnold the Hedgehog go. Kind of. I was worried that he wouldn't know how to fend for himself, so dad helped me set up an area in the garden, it's really big almost the size of the entire yard, with magical barriers around it to keep predators out and keep Arnold in. There are places he can get in for warmth when it gets colder out, and I'll keep an eye on him. If it seems like he wants to go farther, I'll ask dad to take away the wards. Right now though, I'd rather him be safe. It is kind of lonely in my room now without the noisy little guy, but I don't miss the smell. For a small animal, he has a strong odor. [Shaky privacy hex to Regulus] Can I listen to you play sometime? |
| Thursday, September 17th, 2009 | |
| 12:45 pm | I'm home now. To stay. Yesterday, that boy--I forget his name, the one who grows up to be a guard in the old world--started harassing me again. Called me a monster, backed me into a corner,kept backing me closer to the wall. I told him to stop but he just laughed and kept on. He should have known. I don't know why people have to do things like that. It's not like they gain anything from it. I pushed him into a wall. I guess I'm stronger than I know because-- I didn't mean to hurt him but he got knocked out. Dad let me come back. I don't know if I got kicked out or not. He should have known better than to do that. You don't back someone into a corner. I can still take OWLs, if I'm ready in time. Today I tried a charm, a simple one, and it worked. I can focus better here, at home, when I know I don't have to go back. When people aren't whispering when I'm trying to do something, whispering like I can't hear it anyway. They might as well be yelling. I am sorry I hurt him though. |
| Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 | |
| 3:43 pm | I didn't mean to do it. I was just walking, trying to get to the library during lunch like every day so I didn't have to bother anyone trying to find a place to sit and I bumped into this guy from my charms class. He freaked out and started yelling that I tried to attack him. Why would I attack him? I spend all of my time trying to stay out of people's way, and all I did was bump into him on accident but he yelled so loud that a professor came, and I was too nervous to say anything but "I didn't mean to do it" over and over again, and he didn't even have a bruise on him but they sent me here anyway. And now I'm sitting in the headmaster's office waiting to probably get in trouble for something I didn't even do. I'm missing Potions and I can't afford to miss classes when I'm so behind. They said the headmaster is in a meeting for over an hour and then he can "deal with me." Like I'm a troublemaker. I'm not. Maybe I'll just get expelled. |
| Sunday, September 6th, 2009 | |
| 11:57 am | Time to get back to studying. I'm visualizing perfect spells. Too bad visualizing doesn't actually mean that they'll come out perfect! But my potions essay is almost finished. At least I know I can write about magic even if I can't actually do it. I think that means I know the material. I just can't... translate it into actual magic. Which is kind of the entire point, right? [Attempted (and failed) privacy hex] I don't really know why, but I like going to mass. I hear other people my age from the village complaining about waking up early and coming to the church, but it doesn't bother me. I like early mornings. I rarely sleep much past sunrise anyway. There's something about the familiarity of mass though... I don't really remember going as a child, but it still feels like deja vu. The words are a comfort too, even the ones that don't make a lot of sense in my case. I feel like parts... don't apply to me. I don't see how God could possibly care enough about someone like me. I used to believe more strongly I think. But when I was... when I was in Azkaban it was hard to imagine that there was someone out there who really did love me. I have never doubted that there is a God, just that... maybe sometimes he forgets about people and leaves them behind. And maybe I am one of those misfits that didn't quite fit into his plan. And I don't want to talk to dad about it, really. I worry that maybe he wouldn't understand and I don't want to make him unhappy with me. I don't want to worry him. I know I'm already kind of a lot of trouble even if he pretends I'm not. It can't be easy looking after me. And tomorrow it's back to school. I guess I feel a little bit better now that the full moon has passed. In the week before the full I always am such a tense, knotted-up wreck. Maybe things weren't as bad as I thought they were last week. I'm at least trying to be optimistic about it even though... well, I couldn't have misinterpreted the things that were said. I know I should stand up for myself and say something back but I guess I'm still too afraid to do that. Before I came here, if I even thought of talking back or fighting back things were always so much worse for me. It's hard to remind myself that it's different here and that I'm not going to get hurt for speaking my mind, especially with people my own age who don't have any authority over me and who shouldn't scare me. I'm just nervous around everyone. It's dumb. I know they're not going to do anything, but at the same time it's like a reflex, just to cower back, stay out of the way, not make a fuss. And I know people think I'm stupid for being like this. Honestly, I'm fifteen years old and I know I come across as a child. People feel like they have to protect me because I'm so fragile and maybe they're right. Maybe I do need to have people looking out for me. It feels good to know that people care enough to stand up for me when I'm too scared to do it myself, that's for sure. And I know that none of this is me, or not the "real" me. The person that I was. Tracey remembers how I was before and sometimes I have these flashes of things that I want to say or do that I know must be the instinct of the "old" Sally. But saying or doing those things in reality just seems so... I don't know. I guess scary is the word even though that's what I'm trying to get away from. But how do you overcome fears when what you're afraid of is inside yourself? I know that these things that frighten me, half of the time they aren't even real threats. They're in my head. But that doesn't make them feel any less real to me in the moment. Someone at my school last week, in one of my classes, I swear he smelled exactly like one of the guards from Azkaban. I couldn't have been making it up, it was him. And he gave me this look even though he probably has no idea who I am and muttered something about filthy creatures in the school after he saw the C on the back of my hand. He's my age here. He hasn't done any of the things that he did to me in the old world and he probably has no recollection of them, but that didn't stop me from freezing where I stood, this knot in my throat. It felt like I couldn't breathe for a minute. His eyes... if the smell hadn't given him away, the eyes would have. I don't know how to talk about any of it, either. The things that haunt me, most of them I've never spoken aloud to anyone. I don't want people to know the extent of what happened to me when I was locked up. They'll look at me differently if they know. They already pity me but if they ever found out... and I'm afraid that talking about it would make it more real. Make the nightmares worse. The only person who might understand would be dad and to worry him like that... I couldn't do it. I guess secrets should remain secrets sometimes, even if I've been told that getting it out would make me feel better. I don't know if that's right or not. There are some things... I don't know if I could ever tell anyone. Even if I wanted to. The beach was nice. Church was nice. The full moon wasn't scary again, and dad kept me safe. I woke up and he was there like last time, had stayed the whole time but I didn't hurt him. I don't know what kind of magic it is that he uses but I'm okay with it. It means I don't have to be alone and caged up. I'm not miserable and bruised and cut up from trying to escape a cell the morning after any more. The moon doesn't scare me like it used to because of that. At least that's one thing that I'm less afraid of. |
| Friday, September 4th, 2009 | |
| 9:01 pm | Full moon tonight. At least that means I didn't have to go to school today. I hope I still feel like going to the beach. |
| Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 | |
| 10:28 pm | I hate school. I just want to go back home and stay there where there aren't people who stare and whisper about me because they know even though I feel like I'm acting normal. It makes me so nervous and I can't focus with all of those people. I'm never going to learn any of this stuff, I can't get it right. Today my charms professor asked me to demonstrate and I messed up. Nothing happened when I said the spell and I wanted to just die. People laughed at me. It was a simple spell and I couldn't even do it. The girl next to me asked why I was even here if I couldn't manage to do a third year spell. I don't know why. I don't belong there. |
| Saturday, August 8th, 2009 | |
| 11:45 pm | I think I used to be good at charms, but now I'm absolutely rubbish at them. I don't understand. I'm doing them just like the book said and I feel like I know how but the end result keeps coming up all wrong. These are just third year charms, too, and I'm going into fifth year. How am I ever going to catch up in time? School starts back in less than a month and it's not just charms I can't do. I haven't even started on potions because I'm afraid I'll explode myself or something because I can't get anything right sometimes. I remember being able to sit down and study for hours on end without even stopping but now it's like I can't even focus for ten minutes without losing track of what I was doing.I can't keep my mind on what it's supposed to be on no matter how hard I try. It's like that place is still in my head making me forget things I need to remember. Private: Delia I sent you some cupcakes earlier. I didn't want to owl them so I had someone from the church deliver them. He said it was no problem 'cause he was going close to where you lived anyway. Did you get them? I'm sorry they're late, but I couldn't focus enough to bake on the full moon and then Al was upset after but they're fresh and I hope they taste good. I didn't use any charms or anything to make them, just the muggle way, so I bet they'll be okay. The house elves helped, too. Happy late birthday! |
| Thursday, August 6th, 2009 | |
| 2:04 pm | Delia! Happy Birthday! Since it's the full moon tonight, Mimsy the house elf is taking care of Arnold and I'm... waiting. Till the sun goes down and I change again. Last time wasn't so bad so maybe this time will be okay too. |
| Sunday, August 2nd, 2009 | |
| 2:15 pm | Arnold is doing so much better! Oh, in case you don't know Arnold, he's a hedgehog who eats all the time and is getting bigger every day. When he's big enough I'm going to let him go, but I think I'll be really sad when I do. I like him, but he's not a pet. I was so glad the healer said I could get my cast off before my birthday. Well it was the day before, and at the time I didn't know it was my birthday, I hadn't remembered yet, but if I'd had my cast on Tracey and I wouldn't have been able to go to the amusement park. Rollercoasters are fun! They're really loud though. Louder than you, Al! The full moon is in four days and I'm trying really hard not to be nervous. It's hard though. |